Congratulations to DAVID COOK!
This Years Winner of American Idol.
Anyone else watch the Season Finale? It was actually pretty damn good. There were a few surprises I rather enjoyed. In case you missed it, the show went down kind of like this:
56% to 42% of the votes…was off the chain insane for a competition. (sigh) If only people voted like that for the election.
The show opened with ‘Home Town’ shots and video footage of the two winners followed by the Top 12 finalists. Singing Motown. Nice.
(BTW…That Brooke chick? Yup. Still Creepy.)
Next, David Cook & David Archuleta sang a song duet style. Sweet.
Ryan Secrest went onto some filler videos of a GURU that both of the finalist visited. Some of his advice was actually comical. But mostly, not.
Syeshe made an appearance…with SEAL!! (OMFG! Isn’t that Heidi Klum’s husband? …and then all I could think about was how much I adore Heidi.)
Then….a commercial came on TV for ‘The Love Guru’. The very same Guru that was just on AI – seconds ago.
Jason Castro was next…singing The Only Song her ever sang well… Halleluiah. (Pun Intended.)
Unfortunately, I was subject to one of those horrific A.I. promotional videos for some kind of FORD product. What.Ever. They offered up Ford Escape Hybrids as a “prizes” to BOTH of the finalists.
(Yeah. Cuz, that’s what the contestants really wanted.)
The top 6 female vocalists sang, “She Works Hard For The Money” by Donna Summer.
(I thought Simon hated ‘Cruise Like Performances?’ Apparently, that’s just a rumor. Simon did not appear to hate ‘Cruise Like Performances’.)
Finally…The real Donna graced the stage with her presence and saved us all from the [insert any insult] that was taking place on the stage.
Singing ‘The Letter’ was Carly Smithson & Michael John.
Oh. No. Gag.
Seeing him on stage again – was much like running into an EX that you were suddenly embarrassed to have ever dated. That was rough.
Then there was a “Review”…by Jimmy Kimmel (the guy who writes all of Sarah Silverman’s Jokes). He had some words about Simon Cowell’s Nipples and creepy Sanjaya parking cars.. He made fun of Paula’s delusions. And he created a collage of video moments worth a laugh.
The top 6 male vocalists came out singing…Bryan Adams Summer Of ‘69.
(That’s when I decided it would be a good time to take a shower and shave my legs considering I had an over night 3rd date to get ready for…)
But, The Powers That Be (at AI) had cleverly tricked me. The real Bryan Adams appeared. My 6th grade heart was pitter pattering away. I was helpless, staring at my TV.
When I came back from the shower with a slight case of Razor BURN, I was greeted with the end of a rendition of ‘Sharp Dressed Man’ by ZZ TOP – and David Cook.
Good times. I am sorry I missed THAT in its entirety.
That was followed by a performance by Graham Nash (of The CSN&Y) and that Crazy Bitch also known as Brooke White – singing “Teach Your Children Well”. Bombarded with high school nightmares, I decided that was a good time to refresh my coffee cup.
When I returned with a scolded mouth (and a hang nail)…it was time for another commercial.
BEST PART OF THE NIGHT?
When GLADYS NIGHT and the PIPS…took OVER the arena.
HOLY M*THER F*CKER
Is that? IT IS!! Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Junior!! Jack Black pulled a Chris Farley with his pants…Ben Stiller was the proverbial black sheep left alone to fend for himself on stage…and Robert Downey Junior? Um. WOW. HELLO. Even though I feel like I am cheating on Alec Baldwin, I have to admit…He has NEVER looked better.
* said the girl licking the TV screen *
Carrie Underwood followed the trio. And, really? Who else could have followed THAT? She was amazing. She looked hot, she sounded fan-fucking-tastic. I may start listening to Country Music more often just based on THAT performance.
We had another round of the Top 12 singing…WHAM…what? What was worse than that? Waiting for George Michaels to STOP singing.
BLAH BLAH BLAH
The judges said a ton of sh*t that didn’t matter because the votes had already been cast and counted. A MONUMENTAL moment took place on stage when Simon Cowell APOLOGIZED publicly to David Cook.
When Ryan Announced the winner (by 18 million votes) was DAVID COOK, I don’t think it registered in his brain immediately that he has WON.
And then he cried. And I of course lost it.
Now we just have to look out for David Archuleta showing up on TV with fresh bruises…from his over bearing and controlling father.