As Seen On TV: The Facial Hair Edition

It’s no secret that I love infomercials because I’ve written about that before.

As a result of my unbridled enthusiasm for all things As Seen On TV, I am the proud owner and wearer of Pajama Jeans. In fact, I am single handedly responsible for making other people, including my mother and my brother’s girlfriend, proud owners of Pajama Jeans, too. But I’m not here to talk about Pajama Jeans. At least not today.

I’m here to talk about facial hair.

Specifically, my own.

There are few things more disturbing then scratching an itch on your face, only to feel a multitude of sharp spikes protruding from your chin. Or, realizing your upper lip resembles that of Groucho Marx. Or, catching a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror and seeing excessive hair growing on the side of your cheeks. And not the cute peach-fuzz kind. But the, “Holy shit, are those fucking sideburns?!” kind.

Apparently, because I am half Italian and half Jewish this makes for one hairy beast. And I’ve had this issue ever since I was a little girl. At the age of six, my mother took me to the beauty salon just to have my neck waxed. True. Story.

Anyway, since I am not a member of the Kardashian Family, I can’t exactly afford to pay for those expensive laser-hair-removal-treatments. However, I have tried nearly every other option on the planet. Mostly unsuccessfully.

Let’s review.  Shall we?

* Shaving
I learned the hard way it’s not just an Old Wives Tale. The stubble will grow back, thicker.

* Nair and Veet
I have no idea how they managed to bottle ingredients directly from the sun, but they must have, because both products are so powerful, they left 3rd degree burns.

* Plucking
Who has 14 hours, per day, which is what it takes, to remove those hairs individually?

* Waxing.
While it is the most efficient, it’s also the most painful. And, you may or may not lose several layers of skin. Or, an entire eyebrow.

Of course, this provides little to no options left on the table.

So imagine my excitement when I saw an infomercial wielding glorious promises about the newest supersonic hair removal system, complete with technological advancements. This new and amazing product guarantees super smooth skin, and a totally hairless complexion, and, without any pain. An absolute ‘Must Have’ for anyone challenged with facial follicle issues.

What is this new and totes amazeballs device I speak of?

I am talking about theNo!No!’ people.

According to their infomercial and website:

A patented thermodynamic wire with built in safety mechanisms which has enabled No!No! to adapt professional hair removal technology for safe and effective use within the comfort of your home. With No!No! there is no pulling, no tearing, no cuts, or scraping, just a slow, smooth glide that gently and easily removes hair. Designed for simplicity. Compact and comfortable. No!No! is a cute little handheld device that you can take and use almost anywhere – at home, at the office or on the road, with professional results guaranteed.”

Finally!  A real solution. I immediately picked up the phone and ordered one. And I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it. When it arrived, I feverishly ripped open the package like a young child on the eighth night of Hanukkah. My life long problem with facial hair was about to be over. Never again, would I be out in public, worrying whether or not rouge strands of hair could actually wave to strangers.

But I was wrong, my friends.

So. Very. Wrong.

Without going into graphic detail, let’s just say, I am sad to report massive disappointment. It does NOT live up to ANY of its promises, even though I followed every single direction with the utmost precision. I had high hopes, only to suffer through some god-awful smells, a few burns, and one bout of electrocution, until I simply couldn’t endure any more brutality.  And unless your objective is to under go a series of self-inflicted injuries, this probably isn’t the right product for you either.

Also, it should probably come with the following Top 10 WARNING Signs:

1. This product does NOT remove any hair. Even though that’s exactly what we promise, repeatedly, in all of our commercials. Good luck trying.

2. Clearly, the lady in our advertisement who claims she hasn’t had to shave, or wax, or tweeze any body hair in over four weeks, is an outright liar. Because as we’ve already mentioned, this product does not remove any hair, even though we told you it would

3. While using this product, the smell of burning hair will immediately engulf your bathroom. Which is rather misleading, especially since this product does not remove any hair. Therefore, no one can truly pinpoint the cause of that horrible stench. However we assure you, the stink alone will leave you praying for the onset of anosmia.

4. This product will most definitely burn your skin. As a result, your facial tissue will produce a noxious gas and an unforgettable gamy fragrance. You may or may not gag uncontrollably. *Also, we highly recommend keeping First-Aid Cream handy. Because you’re going to need it. And lots of it

5. The combination of burning flesh AND burnt hair smells almost exactly like mixing charcoal and sulfur. And by that, we really mean it smells like diarrhea and rotten eggs. Except that diarrhea and rotten eggs smell way better.

6. These foul odors will cling to the inside of your nostrils for several days. And linger inside your home for an entire week. And, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Even the power of Febreze will not dissipate such a pungent bouquet, rendering it totally useless.

7. Please be advised, this product has also been known to deliver: jarring, painful, searing electric shocks. And, without any warning, whatsoever.

8. Said jarring, painful, searing electric shocks, may or may not leave permanent scars. *Please refer to the use of First-Aid Cream as previously discussed in item number four.

9. According to a product review on Amazon, you’re better off going out and buying a cigarette lighter. Flick it and let the flame burn off your hair and probably some skin as well, because that’s about the same effect you will get from this piece of garbage.

10. And lastly, we cannot stress this enough, this product is only intended to be given as a spiteful gift to your Arch Enemies. And/or for government purposes, to use on terrorists, as a means of torture.

Now if you’ll please excuse me. I should probably seek medical treatment.

PS: Does any one have any suggestions on where/how I can find an inexpensive, pain-free way, to remove all of this god-forsaken facial hair?